Mole Wars

I am normally a peace loving, harmony in the universe, live and let live kind of gal. However, I have recently found while in my pursuit of creating a little backyard paradise that some things must die! And Moles are at the top of the list.







It all started several summers ago...



My mom, who lives next door to me, had a terrible looking lawn. So like any good neighbor she called in the experts who told her that she had two problems, moles and grubs. It seems the moles moved into her yard to eat the grubs that were living under the ground getting fat on her grass roots. At this point our lawn looked just fine, if you consider centipede grass fine. Centipede is the recommended poor man's grass in South Carolina, it doesn't need much water, it's green, and it will choke out most weeds as it is a creeping crawler, hence the name. It also doesn't grow tall, which cuts down on mowing, which makes home owners happy cause it is stinking hot in South Carolina. Anyway, like any eco minded citizen, I agreed with the lawn expert that the best way to take care of the mole problem was to take away their food source, causing them to relocate to "greener" pastures. This did require killing the grubs, I was okay with that because it turns out that most of the grubs are June Bug or Japanese Beetle larvae. I can't see any good purpose in the June Bug or Beetle, all they seem to do is eat my roses and fly at my head. Who needs their nasty little offspring eating the roots of the grass? So we all set about putting some kind of spore in the grass that apparently disrupts the life cycle of the grub, thereby preserving the life of the furry little mammal and encouraging the relocation of said furry little mammal. At this point, I have in my head a picture of a mouse like creature that tunnels under ground to feed and stay safe from predators. I am the champion of the cute little mole, because it's furry, it's can outsmart it's predators and it feeds on the very critter that potentially could destroy our lawns, roses and hair dos. I just want the mole to move so that we don't have unsightly tunnels running every which way in our manicured lawn. I picture the sweet little mole moving across the nearby highway into the acres of lovely field just waiting for her and her little babies.







Fast forward to present day. Now not only does my mom have mole tunnels but the little bastards have moved into my yard. I have had to reset my patio pavers due to the tunnels under the patio causing cave ins, sinkage, and crackage. When I water my carefully planted perennials I have to watch out for sinkholes that threaten to swallow my entire plant. AND, I still have bumper crops of June Bugs, so much for the upside of moles. Oh and one more thing, it turns out that they are hideous looking things with what looks like an octopus hanging off their faces, they have wretchedly long claws, and weird looking eyes rendering them blind in the day light. Still they are one of God's creatures so we try to continue with the relocation program. I came home from work one day to find that my daughter was filling all their holes with water. She had read that if you make them uncomfortable they will relocate. Nope, seems like they enjoyed the bath and invited some of their friends. Next a neighbor told us to try juicy fruit gum as a repellent, nope they sent letters thanking us for our kindness and asking for more.
Finally, we read somewhere that the only effective way to get rid of a mole problem is to kill them. So we set off to the home improvement store to see what mole killing products were available. And this is where we began to realize the mole really is a smart creature. Basically there are only two ways to kill the mole. One involves a poison so toxic that it can not be used anywhere that children or animals might come into contact with it, and it is not to be used anywhere you are growing food because as the little moles move about they may spread the poison to places you don't intend. The only other choice is a guillotine type device that will chop the mole in half, problem is it doesn't distinguish between a mole and a child's hand. Plus how gross would that be, I'm assuming someone would have to clean up after these little death traps!

So for now we are trying an eco-friendly yet terribly painful death for the little varmints. Habenero peppers! You stuff them into the holes, the moles eat them and and commit suicide from the pain of the burning or something like that. Our first round of pepper treatment has been accomplished, so far no thank you notes. And I'm almost afraid to say this but we do seem to have fewer new tunnels each morning. Eat that ugly mole!